Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.
I’ve been locked up in the same spot for what feels like an hour. My heart is racing and the deep breathing exercises I was told to do just don’t work as well as everyone says it does.
Inhale.
I hold my breath and shut my eyes so tight hoping it will help me remember what I need to do and what needs to be done.
Exhale.
My arms and legs begin to tingle and my hands become clammier by the second. It’s almost like someone has a hold on my esophagus and has paralyzed my thoughts, actions, and ability to act like a normal human being. I begin to cut people off and become hostile. My eyes avert from side to side trying to find a task or a single thought to focus on. My co-worker comes up and asks me a question.
Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale.
Shit. Almost forgot to breathe.
“Wait. What did you say?
... I don’t know.”
Exhale.
My response was hasty. I instantly feel bad, but don’t know how to say I’m sorry and explain what’s going on in my mind. Focusing on breath is a task in itself.
I begin to do the one thing I know how to do.
Grin and Bear it.
anx·i·e·ty
/aNGˈzīədē/
noun
a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.
18% of the United States population suffer from anxiety disorders. Sometimes it’s difficult to admit that one is hindered by their own emotions. Sometimes it’s difficult to move forward and prove that a disorder rules one’s life.
Sometimes you never know when you’re going to start feeling okay. Most times you don’t even understand why you feel the way you do. There is always that little bit of stress that follows you around and pokes you. It’s the annoying little brother who is waving their finger in front of your face saying “I’m not touching you. I’m not touching you. I’m not touching you.” When you finally shout, “STOP” everything just comes crumbling down.
A mountain filled with obstacles, tasks, to-dos, and problems that constantly mock you until you face them head on. Spinning around in circles and waiting for your internal compass to point your in the right direction. Then when you finally figure out where you’re going, you try to face this monster of a mountain, it seems easier to turn around to hide and try to find a happy place.
As I typed this I began to feel a sense of worry and self doubt. All these words and emotions bleeding through my fingers start to jumble up together and make no sense to anyone but myself. Maybe that’s why it’s more simple to give up and never finish what was started. Maybe that’s why I find it difficult to explain myself or explain what I want to do.
Anxiety doesn’t turn you into a different person. Anxiety doesn’t need to rule your life.
Inhale. Exhale.
I’ll always be me.
Please, don’t take anything to personal if I cut you off or seem distracted when you are telling me a story. I didn’t mean to act that way towards you. Don't worry if I decide I need to stay home and that I can't be around others. Sometimes I just need to hear that everything is going to be okay and that everything will work out one day. Just wrap your arms around me and promise that the feeling of self doubt and worry won’t last long. Every little thing will be all right.
Alright.
I am not my anxiety.
I am not going anywhere.
Baby, I'm back.
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