Sometimes Sleep is Nonexistent

Sometimes I lay awake tossing and turning wondering what's wrong with me. Sometimes I wake up suddenly in the middle of the night thinking that I totally forgot something that I needed to do during the past day or panicking that when I wake up for the day I won't be able to get anything accomplished. 

There's feeling of self doubt, anxiety, self pity, and sometimes anger. 

My imagination gets the best of me. I begin to think about what it would be like if I punched so and so in the face spiting them for the ways they fucked me over. I begin the think about what if something didn't go as well as I planned at work. What if everyone hates my ideas and laughs in my face. Thoughts like this run rampant in my head wondering all the possible outcomes of my actions. 

I think about all the friends I had, have, and have drifted away and seem to far to even reel back into my life. It's sad actually, because I begin to count the people I fell close to and realize I give too much of myself to everyone that I don't really pay attention to those who really matter.

Other times I just wake up thirsty and need to chug 80oz of water. 

It's hard to think you're not crazy when you're lying awake for 5 hours and you know you have a crazy day ahead of you and you want to do is sleep.Slumber is  hard thing to come by every once in a while. 


Oh the things that keep you awake at night.

Anger. Anxiety. Fear.

Stress.

The one thing I will never understand is how parents did it. I was an emotional child and teenager who panicked about everything and tried to control what I could around me. My mother is a god send for dealing with her own stress and then dealing with me crying to her and hoping she could piece me back together. I still rely on her to this day to tell me that everything is going to be okay and I'm lucky to be alive. Happy Mother's Day to all the Mommas that birthed people like me. 

Everyone deals with stress in a different way.  If stress is keeping you up at night, the worst thing to do is lay in bed and try to force your eyes to shut and your mind to drift into dream world (sadly, this wont work).

This is how I try to put my stress to rest and try to get myself back to sleep and say good night to stress. 

• Inhale while counting to 8. Pause. Exhale while counting to 10. 
• Take a moment and read a couple chapters of your current read. 
• Go to your yoga map and do a 15 minute calming practice. 
• Rest your legs against the wall and take deep breaths.
• Light a candle and put your focus on the flame.

Any form of meditation will greatly help you put your mind at rest and get rid of the possible negative thoughts in your mind. 

If all else fails, might as well do something productive.  

Right?

That's how this blog post came about!

Now try to get some beauty rest, because I know I need it. 

-xx Sarah

breathing can be difficult

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

I’ve been locked up in the same spot for what feels like an hour. My heart is racing and the deep breathing exercises I was told to do just don’t work as well as everyone says it does.

Inhale.

I hold my breath and shut my eyes so tight hoping it will help me remember what I need to do and what needs to be done.

Exhale.

My arms and legs begin to tingle and my hands become clammier by the second. It’s almost like someone has a hold on my esophagus and has paralyzed my thoughts, actions, and ability to act like a normal human being. I begin to cut people off and become hostile. My eyes avert from side to side trying to find a task or a single thought to focus on. My co-worker comes up and asks me a question.

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale.

Shit. Almost forgot to breathe.

“Wait. What did you say?

... I don’t know.”

Exhale.

My response was hasty. I instantly feel bad, but don’t know how to say I’m sorry and explain what’s going on in my mind. Focusing on breath is a task in itself.

I begin to do the one thing I know how to do.

Grin and Bear it.

anx·i·e·ty

/aNGˈzīədē/

noun

a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.

18% of the United States population suffer from anxiety disorders. Sometimes it’s difficult to admit that one is hindered by their own emotions. Sometimes it’s difficult to move forward and prove that a disorder rules one’s life.

Sometimes you never know when you’re going to start feeling okay. Most times you don’t even understand why you feel the way you do. There is always that little bit of stress that follows you around and pokes you. It’s the annoying little brother who is waving their finger in front of your face saying “I’m not touching you. I’m not touching you. I’m not touching you.” When you finally shout, “STOP” everything just comes crumbling down.

A mountain filled with obstacles,  tasks, to-dos, and problems that constantly mock you until you face them head on. Spinning around in circles and waiting for your internal compass to point your in the right direction. Then when you finally figure out where you’re going, you try to face this monster of a mountain, it seems easier to turn around to hide and try to find a happy place.

As I typed this I began to feel a sense of worry and self doubt. All these words and emotions bleeding through my fingers start to jumble up together and make no sense to anyone but myself. Maybe that’s why it’s more simple to give up and never finish what was started. Maybe that’s why I find it difficult to explain myself or explain what I want to do.

Anxiety doesn’t turn you into a different person. Anxiety doesn’t need to rule your life.

Inhale. Exhale.

I’ll always be me.

Please, don’t take anything to personal if I cut you off or seem distracted when you are telling me a story. I didn’t mean to act that way towards you. Don't worry if I decide I need to stay home and that I can't be around others. Sometimes I just need to hear that everything is going to be okay and that everything will work out one day. Just wrap your arms around me and promise that the feeling of self doubt and worry won’t last long. Every little thing will be all right.

Alright.

I am not my anxiety.

I am not going anywhere.

Baby, I'm back.

xx -Sarah